In the beginning, I pulled into what looked like a tree farm. I parked my Toyota close to the main building, and quickly started unloading my sleeping bag and suitcase. A tall dark-haired man named Courtney greeted me and showed me to the van. This hunter green van could safely carry up to 11 people. I introduced myself to the other tree lovers. We made a quick stop at Starbucks. Gene asked for a tall bold, and Courtney, our leader and driver, was confused. “A tall bole?”
Three of us yelled, “A tall B-O-L-D!”
With coffee in hand, we rode to Benbrook to see a Memorial Bur oak. After we parked, we walked to the spot. Approaching this tree, I felt very small. I found an acorn, and put it in my pocket. The Bur oak acorn was about the size of a doll’s head. I have never been one to pay much attention to trees, but this specimen was impressive. The image would have been nice engraved on a coin, or tattooed onto some inmates calf muscle. Instead, I enjoyed it in person, without whipping out my iphone to document it. After a bathroom break, we piled into the van and set out for Granbury. Granbury is a cozy town, especially when viewed from a climate controlled van. I chatted with Sandy, my newfound BFF. We stopped for chocolate, because according-to-proper-tree-tour-etiquette-you-eat-dessert-first. Once we were all buzzing off our chocolate high, we disembarked to see the Texas Live Oak. It was a Kodak moment for sure. Conversation halted as we examined the tree. In Paluxy, we yielded to the right-of-way of some escarpment Live Oaks. Driving through Johnson City, we noted almost every place of business was named after LBJ. The world’s largest Vitex tree was guarded by a malnourished coonhound dog. When we approached, the coonhound barked and his tail was tucked completely under his legs. It was sad to see. I wanted to give him a treat and tell him that I’ve had bad experiences with people too. In Comanche, we stopped for lunch. We dined in a cafe that did not accept credit cards. It’s weird being in a cash only business. I kept thinking, are we in America? What-in-the-ham-sandwich is going on! Unfortunately, all the other tree lovers on this trip probably thought I had an eating disorder because I didn’t order food. I told them that my food was in the van. Once we left, I crawled into the van and pulled out the tortillas and string cheese in my backpack. I inhaled the food like I was a starving refugee in Somalia. The Fleming Live Oak tree had an epic story including a boy, some wild Native Americans, and a town trying to survive. Now that I had eaten a tortilla, my view of the tree was much more optimistic and upbeat. Our first day concluded in Fredericksburg. We saw a Smoke Tree and a Deodar Cedar. At the hotel, I forgot my luggage in the lobby, but luckily Courtney was the guardian who watched over my belongings until I finally came to my senses. We went to dinner at a traditional German restaurant called Friedhelm’s Bavarian Inn. Sandy and I split a plate of Sauerbraten Art. Our waiter had dark hair and the pale face of someone who spends countless hours indoors playing World of Warcraft. Gene gave the waiter a hard time for forgetting Sandy’s lemons. The waiter responded by bringing the lemons, looking at Gene, “Here Mr. Grumpy Pants.”
We all laughed. It was amusing to see this spirited exchange while all of us consumed a massive amount of food. When we exited the restaurant, we hobbled to the van. It starkly contrasted with our fast walk upon entering the restaurant. We moved slowly and carefully, not wanting to upset our food babies.
On Saturday, we left by 9:45 am. We stopped at Starbucks, my home away from home. We were driving through the Texas hill country. In Leakey, we saw a grove of Baldcypress trees that would have made the Orcs in Middle Earth look like ants. In Rio Frio, we climbed on a Large Live Oak. I imagined Gandalf would have scratched his head, bewildered by our actions. In the van, things heated up. Conversation went from deadly Oak Wilt to silly aerial sketch mapping to LBJ’s shaved ice and then back to Mr. Grumpy Pants. We didn’t see any igneous rocks, but gosh darn it, we talked about them. Words like contumacious and bilaterally frequently could be heard coming from our fragmented-one-size-fits-all-conversations. We met a forester from San Antonio. He talked about digging down to get the real dbh, which of course made me laugh. DBH is tree talk for measuring the diameter at breast height. We went to the Burditt Ranch to see a Baldcypress tree. In the shade of that gentle giant, I saw several monarch butterflies feeding on flowers. There was also a hog trap that I decided to climb into. Looking back, I wouldn’t do that again, but at the time, climbing into the trap seemed logical and breezy. We stopped for the night in Concan at Criders Cabins. The current state champion tree was there. It was a Baldcypress. The owner of the property stopped by to ask how we liked the cabins. She mentioned the Axis deer that roam the land.
“The call of the deer sounds like a grown woman screaming.” She proceeded to demonstrate the sound.
As I drifted to sleep that night, I could hear the deer calling to one another. Once asleep, I dreamed of deer and trees.
The next day, we left by 10:00 am. The van ride home was mostly quiet. Once Sandy and I saw a hawk fly by.
“What kind of hawk is that?”
Casually, I shrugged and said, “I think that was LBJ’s hawk.”
We all laughed. Gene said, “Hey, you’re awake.”
I learned many things on this big tree tour. First, foresters are nice people. Next, take cash on a tree tour. Finally, trees can get really big.
