Unlucky Optical

Today, I was off work.  I decided to ‘be productive’ and get my eyes checked at a place called Luck Optical.  A sign on the door read, “Walk-ins Welcome,” when, in actuality, it was a lie.  The experience felt more like “Walk-in to Auschwitz.”  Here, sit for an hour and a half with no phone, no food or water, nothing to entertain or distract.  As time passed more people arrived.  The waiting room was packed.  Like refugees, we all looked down, made no eye contact.  I imagined this is what being a victim feels like-powerless.  Time sneaked by like a crafty, treacherous serpent.  I felt myself die slowly in that waiting room.  Outside there was sunshine, birds were singing, it was phone friendly, there was water, food and hope...inside there was a medieval torture device that shoots air into your eyeball.  How ironic that my day off ended up being spent in a cold, sterile environment that should be called ‘Unlucky’ Optical. From time to time, I had to run to my car to munch on pretzels simply to be able to endure this ordeal.  When I finally got in to see the doctor, she mentioned me coming back for a follow up appointment.  (In my head I screamed What!!!!)  I said(as nicely as I could), “It is very likely that you will not see me here again.”  I get so pissed when doctors refer to follow up appointments as if they are socially acceptable.  In my book, follow up appointments are illegal or just plain tacky.  Hey doc, you went to school for 8 years correct?  You should, theoretically, be able to accomplish that goal of getting me in and out same day right?  Anyway, my story had a happy ending.  I walked out of ‘Unlucky’ Optical and moved on with my life.  If I could pass on any wisdom to you it would be, you are welcome to walk-out of Luck Optical, but I cannot recommend walking in.   

farewell February

In my humble opinion, February arrived and exited the stage in the blink of an eye.  There was so much going on.  One second, I’m at work and I notice a text message on my phone... ”Whitney Houston is dead.”  WHAT!!!??? Then, a guy asked me out(kind of a big deal).  We had award season: the Grammys and Oscars.  At work, I adapted to having a new boss with a different managerial style.  Every day when I commute, I pass by a gang of pigeons.  These birds inspire me.  They take flight and cruise through the sky in a tight diamond shaped formation. In my imagination, these birds understand the secret to happiness.  On Valentine’s Day, I rented The Lady and the Tramp and purchased wild bird seed for my flighty friends.  I drove to where the pigeons hang out and emptied the bag out in the open.  They quickly caught on.  I could almost see Mary Poppin’s smiling face, up in the clouds, looking down on me.  She’d say, “Yes, feed the birds...you are practically perfect in every way.” Meanwhile, I was reminded that The Lady and the Tramp is a wonderful film.  Lady is adorable.  Jim dear, darling,  the Tramp, Crusty and Jacque are the main characters.  When I was younger, I recall being impressed by Jim dear and darling’s married life.  Of course, now I know that ‘real’ married life isn’t the same as ‘Disney’ married life.  Do pigeons mate for life?  According to information on the world wide web, pigeons do.  Of course, if they find love-on-the-side (like most wild creatures in the natural world) they probably take it.  I had two comedy gigs and my dad’s birthday.  We celebrated my dad’s birthday by going to a little hole in the wall or dive, called Fred’s Cafe.  I don’t usually eat beef.  However, I devoured a blue cheese burger on this happy occasion.  It was so good.  I was licking my fingertips to consume every remaining morsel or lingering taste. FACT: That blue cheese burger rocked my world!!  Happy Birthday dad.  You are the coolest dude in the United States of America.