Unlucky Optical

Today, I was off work.  I decided to ‘be productive’ and get my eyes checked at a place called Luck Optical.  A sign on the door read, “Walk-ins Welcome,” when, in actuality, it was a lie.  The experience felt more like “Walk-in to Auschwitz.”  Here, sit for an hour and a half with no phone, no food or water, nothing to entertain or distract.  As time passed more people arrived.  The waiting room was packed.  Like refugees, we all looked down, made no eye contact.  I imagined this is what being a victim feels like-powerless.  Time sneaked by like a crafty, treacherous serpent.  I felt myself die slowly in that waiting room.  Outside there was sunshine, birds were singing, it was phone friendly, there was water, food and hope...inside there was a medieval torture device that shoots air into your eyeball.  How ironic that my day off ended up being spent in a cold, sterile environment that should be called ‘Unlucky’ Optical. From time to time, I had to run to my car to munch on pretzels simply to be able to endure this ordeal.  When I finally got in to see the doctor, she mentioned me coming back for a follow up appointment.  (In my head I screamed What!!!!)  I said(as nicely as I could), “It is very likely that you will not see me here again.”  I get so pissed when doctors refer to follow up appointments as if they are socially acceptable.  In my book, follow up appointments are illegal or just plain tacky.  Hey doc, you went to school for 8 years correct?  You should, theoretically, be able to accomplish that goal of getting me in and out same day right?  Anyway, my story had a happy ending.  I walked out of ‘Unlucky’ Optical and moved on with my life.  If I could pass on any wisdom to you it would be, you are welcome to walk-out of Luck Optical, but I cannot recommend walking in.   

farewell February

In my humble opinion, February arrived and exited the stage in the blink of an eye.  There was so much going on.  One second, I’m at work and I notice a text message on my phone... ”Whitney Houston is dead.”  WHAT!!!??? Then, a guy asked me out(kind of a big deal).  We had award season: the Grammys and Oscars.  At work, I adapted to having a new boss with a different managerial style.  Every day when I commute, I pass by a gang of pigeons.  These birds inspire me.  They take flight and cruise through the sky in a tight diamond shaped formation. In my imagination, these birds understand the secret to happiness.  On Valentine’s Day, I rented The Lady and the Tramp and purchased wild bird seed for my flighty friends.  I drove to where the pigeons hang out and emptied the bag out in the open.  They quickly caught on.  I could almost see Mary Poppin’s smiling face, up in the clouds, looking down on me.  She’d say, “Yes, feed the birds...you are practically perfect in every way.” Meanwhile, I was reminded that The Lady and the Tramp is a wonderful film.  Lady is adorable.  Jim dear, darling,  the Tramp, Crusty and Jacque are the main characters.  When I was younger, I recall being impressed by Jim dear and darling’s married life.  Of course, now I know that ‘real’ married life isn’t the same as ‘Disney’ married life.  Do pigeons mate for life?  According to information on the world wide web, pigeons do.  Of course, if they find love-on-the-side (like most wild creatures in the natural world) they probably take it.  I had two comedy gigs and my dad’s birthday.  We celebrated my dad’s birthday by going to a little hole in the wall or dive, called Fred’s Cafe.  I don’t usually eat beef.  However, I devoured a blue cheese burger on this happy occasion.  It was so good.  I was licking my fingertips to consume every remaining morsel or lingering taste. FACT: That blue cheese burger rocked my world!!  Happy Birthday dad.  You are the coolest dude in the United States of America.

Houston

Last night it sounded like the sky exploded and collapsed outside my window.  I sat bolt upright, my body rigid with fear.  I ended up trying to ignore the elephant outside by writing.  This weekend I drove to Houston by myself.  It was my first solo mission in the marshmallow.  I was apprehensive in the beginning.  Saturday I left town about noon.  The sun was shining, and spreading warmth every which way.  Texas is such a massive hunk-a-chunk of land.  I had a print out of directions in my lap also my phone was cued up to the same route.  I watched the ever changing canvas pass before my eyes, trying to commit it all to memory.  In my head, I kept thinking of one of the truths of life how you have to push forward even when you are afraid.  In Africa, the herd of wildebeests have to cross this one river to get to greener pastures, but huge crocodiles know they are coming and hunt them dead.  I’m in my car glad I just have to drive to Houston, not cross that African river on foot and face a horrific death.  Birds of prey circled high in the air.  I have always admired those flying predators, because they appear graceful (even knowing their sinister purpose).  I picked a route that involved driving down some real country roads.  At one point, even with GPS on my phone I felt uncertain which way to proceed and I could feel panic rise up my spine.  However, I did not surrender to the panic.  I kept driving and eventually I got to another highway.  The rest of the drive down was all peaches-n-cream, beer-n-skittles.  I noted the scattered remains of several coyotes, one deer, and an armadillo.  I voiced my disapproval by honking at the crowd of vultures consuming the dead armadillo.  They looked up and jumped, perhaps surprised by such an authoritative sound coming from a marshmallow.  When I arrived at my destination, I checked in to my hotel and texted my friend.  We ended up going bowling.  Our foursome happily munched burgers, chicken tenders and fries while waiting for our lane to open up.  Each of us performed our traditional gender roles: the girls talked and the boys were all action.  It was cool to witness my friend’s transformation.  He behaves differently now that he’s in a relationship.  You can tell he’s happy.  As for me, I got to bed at a decent time.  The next day I had my workshop.  It was interactive and fun.  There were about 20 people in attendance.  My partner was a tall blond surfer named Karen.  She handles public relations for a college.  We worked on our act together.  I felt like I had been given the tools I need to create and really be successful.  As soon as the workshop was over, I hit the road.  For my return journey, I picked a route that was only highway.  The ride was smooth and painless.  I made it home by 9pm.  I would like to thank the GPS navigation system in my iphone for supporting me during this trip.  I would like to thank my Toyota Yaris for not getting sick!  I would like to thank my family for frequently checking in on me.  It is great to be home.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “Faith is taking the first step, even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”  I like that quote.  It makes me think of God and love.  I remember once being at church and my mother had written this beautiful prayer about Martin Luther King, Jr.  She got halfway through reading it before the tears came.  Once she began crying, she could not stop so the pastor came up behind her and continued reading the prayer where she left off.  It was very moving.  Also, I recall that anytime I have visited a Unitarian church the sermon has been about Martin Luther King, Jr. (which is an interesting coincidence).  I admire his courage.  Each day, I try to be courageous and sometimes I am, but not always.  Today was a good day.  I felt fine.  I sang.  I tried my utmost to make every person I came into contact with feel-like-a-million-bucks.  I did not know this until recently, but apparently, I sing a lot at work.  I only sing because it helps me to stay lighthearted and not stress.  I will close with another quote from MLK, Jr. “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

Christmas

Christmas has arrived and vanished.  Luckily, I stock piled some Starbucks Christmas blend so I still have that.  Did you try any of Blue Bell’s Spiced Pumpkin Pecan ice cream?  Many people in my life were whispering about how excellent it was.  The word on the street was get-it-while-you-can.  I actually never tried it.  My parents offered some to me, but I declined.  This Christmas was different because we have a baby in the family.  He did not want to sleep.   Unfortunately, you can’t reason with a baby.  You can’t explain to him how in the big picture it’s better for him to rest.  If I had to pick a word to describe my holiday it would be interesting.  New Years is right around the corner.  I have never been one to make a big deal about New Years.  Have you made any resolutions for 2012?  In my opinion, it is always helpful to have a goal.  Goals help us navigate thru the crossings and the stops in life.  I am also a big fan of lists.  Santa Claus and I share that list-making quality.  He would probably point out to me that his list is longer though, because he’s a guy.  Guys like to compete.  I did not get the competitive gene.  Cheers.

Chaos Never Dies

Shall I come out of the closet and confess my true feelings? Honest to blog, I dislike Christmas shopping.  I realized the other day that this is November.  Most people associate this month with Thanksgiving (with good reason), but there are other unrecognized days that exist.  November 9th is Chaos Never Dies day.  Today draws attention to the sheer volume of clutter and turmoil in our lives.  In addition to all that we normally juggle, now it’s time to think about gift giving.  Unfortunately in this modern society, people don’t want Frankincense or Myrrh (like the wise men gave to baby Jesus).  I wish I could give the gift of truth and justice or love and hope, but alas I don’t have that kind of power.  I’m not a fairy godmother and this isn’t a Disney movie.  I carved a pumpkin for the first time in my life.  With my knife in hand, I prayed this short prayer before commencing with the carving. “I believe in the Grand Pumpkin, almighty gourd, who was crustified over Pontius pie plate and ascended into oven.  Whence ascended and sitteth on the table and for the seeds, the shell, the pulp I give thanks. amen.”  My gourd carving adventure ended happily.  As tribute, in honor of the pumpkin that died so that I could express myself artistically, I baked pumpkin cornbread muffins.  I drove to Dallas yesterday to meet my good friend at Whole Foods.  We browsed the multitude of eats, proceeded to check out, then gobbled our grub.  I rarely make it to Dallas.  Why?  DUH, because chaos never dies!!  How does your turmoil look these days?  Turmoil can look like a phone that never works, like a blonde with long legs that never calls you back..it can look like a traffic jam, or a sweet chihuahua that has gum disease and needs her teeth brushed every day...on that note I hope you have a memorable-holy-mess-kind of day!  Cheers

birthday

It is the anniversary of the day of my birth.  My parents have already called to sing a comical version of the happy birthday song.  (I always look forward to that)  I will work today, more than likely performing the silent version of myself.  I can’t shake a sense of melancholy.  33.  Last night I went to the dogpark with Pooh, and I was able to cast off my gloom and feel cheerful for a minute.  If you ever got the impression that I’m an odd bird, pat yourself on the back, because you are correct.  The evidence supporting that conclusion is that recently I joined a married couples with kids Sunday school class.  I was invited to the class before they knew my status.  The first visit upon learning of my status, I thought they’d boot me out for sure.  Excuse me, I think you’d be more comfortable in the single-with-no-kids class down the hall.  But they surprised me by making me feel very welcome.  It is weird sitting in class sometimes because I’m reminded of being different.  I have always been unique, but in a good way.  Happy moments... Occasionally my store will be visited by two little dudes, Chase and Oliver, they are in 6th and 7th grade.  They ride their bikes up there and come inside for a cup of water.  Whenever they see me their faces light up.  I ask them about school and we talk.  I mainly ask them questions and listen.  (Kids are sometimes shy about sharing their opinions.) There is also another girl who comes in a lot.  She’s in 9th grade.  I think the world of her.  I love that she is generous with giving out smiles.  The other day, I told her “I would love to be a teacher just to have a classroom filled with 25 people just like you.”  I went to a party a couple of weekends ago.  It was not ideal.  My idea of the “perfect party” involves a bathroom with toilet paper AND hand soap.  I just don’t relax well, when I know that germs are freely flowing from person to person with nothing to stop them.  I saw a guy I used to work with and I said hello. We talked for a bit.  He knew everyone at the party, but he wanted to jump on the trampoline with me. (so he could go back to work the next day and say I bounced with Leigh last night and it was awesome)  It made me feel good to be singled out like that, so of course I jumped.  Mind you I’m not used to jumping on a trampoline by myself so with another person added it was tricky.  I screamed to high heaven a couple of times.  My right foot landed at odd angles so that by the end of the experience my skin burned and appeared black like it had been beaten.  I limped back to my chair and said goodbye to my friend.  Even though there was no hand soap and my right foot hurt like hell, this experience made me smile.